Hello & Goodbye
(image © Javon Swaby - Found on Pexels.com)
Hello to the dawning year, 2020, and to all the hope, excitement, intention, and opportunities that it brings.
Goodbye to 2019, and thank you for all the lessons that you taught me, painful as they were, at times.
Christmas and New Year is always a hard time of the year for me to write, but it's often when I am most compelled. This time last year, I was still licking my wounds from Christmas day. I'd had a tumultous couple of years and many issues came to a head on that morning.
Most heartbreaking of all, were the friends who turned their back on me. When one is at the end of a difficult journey, one hopes that friends will be waiting at the finish line. Like so many things in life however, things didn't really work out that way.
So it was that I dragged myself, sobbing and wounded, into 2019. I was determined to rise above, to do better, and to be better. I didn't really think too much about how I was going to do it.
So twelve months down the track, and I am looking back over the way I've come. It's not necessarily the path I had hoped to follow when I set my good intentions and made my wishes at the end of 2019, but it's a path that I have chosen and followed regardless.
My fella & I have talked at length about recovery and growth. I think sometimes I want too much at once, but I've never been able to organise the steps in order to get there. 2019, for he & I, was so much about ordering and making those steps regardless of how small or insignificant they seemed at the time.
They did seem insignificant. All year I've felt like I have been desperately thrashing to keep my head above water without making any forward progress or improvement. It's been hard to keep the goals in sight without feeling completely exhausted by the mountain of work that appears before them.
At yet as I write this, I realise that this year, I got a job. I applied and was accepted into Master of Fine Art for 2020. I managed to whittle down some of my debts and managed my bills better. I borrowed less money from family and friends. I visited places I'd never been before. I stayed fit and I ate better than ever before. I talked shit out with my partner and I think we're stronger than ever now. I said yes to more, and no when I felt that I needed to. I actually did a lot.
I am afraid of counting my chickens before they hatch, and I think I've used this as a convenient excuse to avoid really hunkering down and sinking my teeth into this. It's frightening and consuming. Even writing these thoughts down into a public space, admiting these things to myself and to those who might read, feels like I am throwing caution to the wind and diving into something deep.
But it's what I want to do. I hope you'll come with me on this journey into 2020, and beyond.
Thanks for reading,
Happy New Year.
(image © Stephanie Rachael 2019)